What Is Self-Compassion and Why Should You Care?
Self-compassion is the ability to turn acceptance, understanding and love inward. Many of us have no problem extending compassion to others, but struggle to extend that same kindness and care to ourselves. This can become particularly hard when we screw up or fail.
An interesting fact I learned was that studies show that women in the Western world typically show less compassion to themselves then men. This should come as no surprise considering we are socialized to assume the role of caregiver and sacrifice are needs for others.
Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and the first to define the term academically, describes self-compassion as having three elements.
Self-kindness, or refraining from harsh criticism of the self.
Recognizing one's own humanity, or the fact that all people are imperfect and all people experience pain.
Mindfulness, or maintaining a non-biased awareness of experiences, even those that are painful, rather than either ignoring or exaggerating their effect.
The Transformative effects of Self-compassion
There has been an upsurge of research into self-compassion in the last decade showing it’s many benefits. Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, and academic failure, and even combat trauma.
Though it may seem counter-intuitive, self-compassion actually motivates us to improve. Through accepting ourselves as we are we can then nurture our own change.
Heading toward burnout at work? Neff has found that people who practice self-compassion experience fewer negative emotions and stay emotionally balanced in difficult situations. This can stave off emotional exhaustion and prevent burnout.
You can improve in self-compassion
The amazing news about self-compassion is that if it doesn’t come naturally for you - which it doesn’t for many of us - you can learn and expand it with practice. We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive. It is dose dependent meaning the more you practice it the more of it you have. I personally have a number of daily practices I can choose from. Why not get started yourself now?!
Harvard psychologist Christopher Germer, in his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, suggests five ways to bring self-compassion into your life: via physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual methods. He and other experts have proposed a variety of ways to foster self-compassion. Here are a few:
Comfort your body. Eat something healthy. Lie down and rest your body. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Anything you can do to improve how you feel physically gives you a dose of self-compassion.
Write a letter to yourself. Describe a situation that caused you to feel pain (a breakup with a lover, a job loss, a poorly received presentation). Write a letter to yourself describing the situation without blaming anyone. Acknowledge your feelings.
Give yourself encouragement. If something bad or painful happens to you, think of what you would say to a good friend if the same thing happened to him or her. Direct these compassionate responses toward yourself.
Practice mindfulness. This is the nonjudgmental observation of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, without trying to suppress or deny them. When you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, accept the bad with the good with a compassionate attitude.
Fostering self-compassion is not complicated or difficult. It’s a skill that can be learned and enhanced. If it’s a struggle for you, don’t beat yourself up about it, just start practicing and you will see a change. If you’d like support in where to start with this, please connect with me, I’d love to help!
